Confessions of an all or nothing girl…my quest for balance on the road to better health

I love to eat gluten. Why does it get such a bad rap these days? Pasta with butter is one of my favorite meals. It’s what we were all raised on for goodness sake. What happened to good ol’ Kraft Mac and Cheese? I don’t dare admit to having a box of it in the pantry. Everything now is organic and pasture-raised and gluten-free and hormone-free and taste-free. It gets my processed-food ass in quite a tizzy.

It is only hours later as the empty bowl sits on my counter waiting to be washed that I see the hardened butter caked to the bottom and think “Gee that is somewhere caked to the bottom of my digestive system. Maybe I shouldn’t eat that anymore.” That worked for a few days, but then J didn’t finish his meal and you know what happens next.

I also love to drink wine and cosmos (fortunately for my liver, not on the same night).

We had friends over last night. It was great fun but boy I sure don’t feel like myself today. Maybe I am coming down with the flu.

“Maybe it’s a hangover,” my husband says.

“No, can’t be. I didn’t drink that much wine. Two glasses maybe. I didn’t feel tipsy last night.”

I brood for an hour dwelling on the fact that my husband is right AGAIN. I give in and take two Advil after my egg and cheese breakfast. I feel better. Sh%^&t, it was a hangover.

That’s it, I am giving up alcohol. It inflames my whole body, makes my insides hurt and I finally realize I am voluntarily contributing to my own death. That sounds extreme but not really. If you think about it for more than a minute, alcohol is not on the food pyramid. It dehydrates and depletes a human body like nothing else can. Yes, I am sure of it, I am giving up alcohol.

Two days later, I can’t take it; I really miss my glass of wine. Why? Am I an alcoholic? No. Just a mother of a four-year-old mountain of peppiness and look forward to my unwinding time at 7pm. I really feel I am depriving myself of something not having my nightly glass.

I went into Whole Foods a few weeks ago determined to stock my fridge and pantry with natural delectables to nourish myself and my family. I was in there for almost an hour and left in almost tears. I was so overwhelmed by all of the “wholeness.”  I left with one bundle of kale and lavender moisturizer.

I seriously needed a guide that day to show me what to buy, what tastes good, and what tastes like the burlap it is packaged in. I could spend thousands of dollars in that store and throw most of it out because it tastes like roof shingles.

Today is a new day. My nagging feeling for better eating is getting louder. A hangover with no wild night to show for it will do that to a person. Juicing is all the buzz these days, I will try that. If I can’t remove all the crap from my diet, maybe I can offset some of it with healthy additions. The thought of buying a juicer to use once and sit in the back of my closet with my Thighmaster doesn’t appeal to me so I will return to Whole Foods and have them make it for me.

I have to say, the first time you go to a juice bar, it feels like the first time at Starbucks or Victoria’s Secret. There are soooo many choices, all with foreign words like spirulina, chlorella and ginger root. I recognized parsley and carrots. I stepped up to the counter and all eyes were on me. I ordered an Earth Goddess because in contains beets. I love beets. There are other ingredients in there, one of which is wheat grass. It was so incredibly fascinating to see them extract juice from a blade of grass. I was then going to drink this. So I did. It wasn’t terrible. I didn’t love it either. But I could get it down and I was doing something amazing for my health so who cares that it tastes like lawn.

Almost instantly, it gave a rich rosy hue to my cheeks that I only thought existed after an orgasm. This is it! The fountain of youth, I have found my new way of living. I am juicing every day. Well, still not buying a juicer so trekking to Whole Foods and paying a whopping nine dollars for 24oz of liquid love.

You know what, today I will get two 24oz containers. It stays good for 48 hours in the fridge so I can suck one down today and have one for tomorrow and save myself a trip to WF.

The lady in line with me at the juice bar admired my gusto.

“Its best on an empty stomach you know. Best for absorption,” she says.

“Great,” I say. “Maximum absorption is what I am after.” I collected my to-go cups and headed to the food bar. This too is almost too much to take. The beautifully presented pizzas and salads and perfectly fried potato latkes look camera ready. I stay to my agenda and walk up to the roasted veggies.

Who knew Brussels sprouts could be so amazing. Roasted in oil and lots of salt. I am in love. Yes, I am eating in my car but how many car eaters can fess up to eating roasted Brussels sprouts!! Very few I am sure. I have about six. Don’t judge me they are Brussels sprouts for goodness sake! I am so healthy.

So it’s about 45 minutes after I got home from WF and I am racing to the bathroom. Holy Sh#$@!, literally! What did I do? Did I overdo the healthiness? I am renaming WF, W the F? I totally overdid it and now, there is no way I am drinking that stuff tomorrow or ever again! Well, at least not tomorrow, i have to let my ass recover. But I spent almost twenty bucks on all that Earth Goddess and now I can’t drink it?!? I am in Health Food Hell. Where’s my box of mac and cheese? Where’s my pinot noir?

This is getting too long so I will say To Be Continued…